For some people, including Charlie Sheen, life is about “winning.” Perhaps even for many people, life is defined by moments of winning. While I have accomplished many things in my 27 years up to this point and I am proud of all my accomplishments, I would say that I am who I am today predominantly because of the moments in which I did not win. It’s not that the losses have defined who I am, but rather how I have handled the losses has. For someone as competitive as myself, an accomplishment is not the same as winning. I have also come to understand competition differently as a result of having constantly competed. When you put yourself in so many competitive situations from such a young age (I competed in my first horse back riding competition by age 5 or 6), it is certainly going to affect your life outlook. Up until I recently retired from competing in pageants, competing was like breathing. I remember when I competed in my last pageant; I couldn’t wait to figure out what competition was next. But aside from my insanely driven mentality, having competed for most of my life in so many different things, I have come to see competition differently.
For me, in response to having not been #1 on more occasions than having been #1, I have come to view it as a competition against myself. It’s all about doing better than before, about truly doing the best I can possibly do at that moment. If I have done my best and if I can truly say that I would not change a single thing, then that’s that. Don’t get me wrong, when I have worked very very hard in preparing for months and months, it’s not that I’m happy as long as I’ve done my best. I have never wanted to not win something. But rather, even though often times unhappy with the results, I am able to pick myself up and compete again because I can honestly say that I did my best. And that next time I will do even better. It’s the challenge I’ve grown to love, not actually winning – because I have lost more times than I have won. It’s the fact that my character has been shaped around the belief that I am not defined by winning or losing. I am never going to let a loss stop me from competing, that is just not who I have grown to become. At times when I have been in brief moments of self-doubt, I have felt like a loser – like someone who never wins. To say “loser” is not really fair, because I have always been at the top. But that’s the part that gets me down on occasion, it’s the fact that I feel like I’m always near the top, but rarely at the very top of the podium. When I start feeling like that, I force myself to remember that the mere fact that I have competed in all that I have and been on the podium at all on so many occasions has been an incredible life blessing. I have been blessed with amazing life experiences because I have been close to the top. A recent example – The Apprentice. I was one of 16 individuals chosen to be on the show and the show was a truly awesome life experience that I am grateful to have been selected to be a part of. I did not win, but I was close to the top (considering thousands auditioned for the show).
I think I have applied these beliefs to finding my dream job. Instead of being upset when a job or career doesn’t turn out to be what I want it to be or thought it would be, I have been able to take what I’ve learned and move on. I have also realized that it’s okay to put all your eggs in one basket and then be disappointed when it doesn’t work out – because that means that you gave it 100% of yourself – as long as you’re able to move on when you figure it out. The point is, life is one giant competition and sometimes you “lose.” But you have to spin it and realize how you are better for the loss. Then you have to take that realization and put yourself out there again. You cannot be afraid of losing or making a mistake or taking a risk just because it might mean you’re not #1 anymore…. That’s what it takes sometimes….
It’s a good thing that I love challenges… because figuring out where I am going, where I want to go, is an ever-evolving challenge…. Right now, it looks like the challenge is going to be in combining and doing all the things that I want to do with my career and my life (stay tuned for a blog about that!)…
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